Refiner’s Fire: Abide
As I shared in the last refiner’s fire post, 2020 was a rough year. And it was a year in which God had to give me a very clear message to cling to as I navigated all of the new challenges for the year. January 1st, 2020, I flipped open my Bible and there I was right in John 15.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”
Inaction
That was not the last time that the theme of “abiding” was there in front of me. It was in other books I read, posts on facebook, mini word studies on Instagram, people mentioning it in person. When COVID hit in March of 2020, it hit me then, within that first week of lockdown, that this entire time God was trying to get a very clear point across to me. This was a season for me to abide. As I was also living in a state of anticipation and potential preparation to hear back from Bridges for Peace to know if I had been accepted, it was something I desperately needed to learn and be aware of. I hate to say that I never got very good at it, abiding. But I tried. I bought a ring to help me remember, I made a mug with abide carved into the handle, I frequently returned to the John 15 passage. It’s highlighted and underlined, it’s read and reread, it’s memorized. It’s inspiration. It was something I meditated on and prayed for. But I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand HOW to abide. I only knew that I wanted to.
Like I said, I didn’t get good at it, really. After I learned that I had gotten accepted into the Discipleship program, I spent the next 4 months living as shallow as possible. I enjoyed myself, absolutely, but I shut down every strong emotion. My thought was, I am just going to breeze through this season, and I’ll work on it when I’m in Israel. I partially don’t regret this, because I spent so much time with friends and my family having fun. But it was also a bit of a waste. I wasn’t having deep conversations with God or anybody else around me. Some of my thought was that if I didn’t allow myself to feel the grief of leaving my home, it would make my actual leaving not hurt so much. Again, I would just deal with it later on, when I was in Israel.
But that wasn’t God’s plan.
Two weeks before I was supposed to fly out, I got the email that said they were canceling the program for the year. There was just no way we could get into Israel.
I was devastated. And then like a week later, I got mono, and was super sick for a month. I was so heartbroken, I was flooded by the emotions I had been suppressing and all of the new feelings of bitter disappointment and asking myself what I was going to do with my life now. I had gone around and closed all of the doors around me, because I was supposed to be leaving. I was so lonely.
And yet, God still called me to abide. And honestly, that devastation was my wakeup call. Being so sick forced me to start dealing with how I felt. It was, I now see, a set apart time. In Hebrew, a “moed” (מועד). And appointed time. I was super sick over the Hebrew festival of Booths, Sukkot. The Feast of Tabernacles. It was the first time in so long that I had been home for the entire holiday. And what God did for me during that time, even though it was miserable, was teach me to abide. Coming out of that sickness, I was more thankful for the extra time at home. I was thankful that God allowed me time to have honest relationships and deep connections after that.
In Action
At the time, I wasn’t sure I would be able to commit to the Zealous Israel Project. I would have to wait 10 months. A lot can happen in 10 months.
And a lot did happen in those 10 months, September 2020 to July 2021. I grew up a little more. I grew closer to God. I was proactive in trying to see where God wanted me. I tried to get more work, and that fell through. I made some new friends, reconnected with others. And allowed one friend, my now fiance, to pursue me in friendship, and then relationship. I made more meaningful memories with my family. I chose to abide. To soak in all of the blessings that God was giving me. I don’t remember exactly when, but months after the project was canceled, one of the Zealous Israel leaders reached out to me. I had explained that I was uncertain that I was supposed to commit. I had been in prayer about it and committed to Abide in God’s will for me, and within a day or two they shared that they believed that I was meant to be a part of Z6. So I set my course in that direction.
I was going to leave Port Angeles the right way. Not the perfect way, maybe, but at least I wasn’t running. I was running away before.
I have so many beautiful memories from that season, those last 10 months home. I collected precious memories and savored being home. I love Washington. I love being a Washington girl. I love the mountains and forests, rivers and oceans. I love the smell of rain, of snow, of fog, of the ocean.
I knew once I left, it would never be the same. And I thank God so heartily that I was able to make up for the months that I filled with nonsense. I spent hours at the water, listening to the Elwha River roar and feeling God wash my spirit. Standing at the feet of waterfalls and letting myself get drenched so that the feeling would stick with me when I left. I climbed around on mountain tops to feel small and remember that God is so much bigger than I, that He already had a plan for me. All I needed to do was look at Him. And man, in those months, I saw God in everything.
Mini Word Study
“μένω ménō, men'-o; a primary verb; to stay (in a given place, state, relation or expectancy):—abide, continue, dwell, endure, be present, remain, stand, tarry (for), × thine own.” Strong’s Concordance definition for the Greek “ménō”(abide).
Abide. In the original Greek, the word means so much more than just “stay in one place”. Abide is an action. It’s a state of being. It’s not just sitting in contentment, it’s standing strong in it, it’s being present, it’s continuing on in it, it’s dwelling in it and it is enduring. I love the word abide. I love that Jesus specifically calls us to abide in Him.
Abiding in Him means sacrificing everything you thought you knew, everything you thought you wanted. Complete surrender.
I struggle with control, and I struggle with being a people pleaser. I struggle with how I want things to look, how I want them to go. I have fear about people dying and leaving me before I can say goodbye. I want to be in control. I want to make sure everybody is happy and cared for. I want to make the choices that will make the people around me will support. And I’ve more than once swayed what I know God was telling me because I caved to the peer pressure.
So there came a point in my Discipleship year where I had to purposefully lay everything at God’s feet and tell Him that it was His, I couldn’t hold on to what isn’t mine. And even my own life. To abide in God, I needed to give up my own life. I needed to know and be sure that no matter what, God had me in the palm of His hand. Nothing I could do for myself would be better than that. And nothing has been.
So I encourage you to abide. Because abiding in Him, His desires became mine. Taking the place He has had for me in the olive tree has brought me more blessing than I could ever dreamed of. If it wasn’t for His calling, I wouldn’t be writing this post from Jerusalem. If it wasn’t for Him making me stay 10 months longer, I wouldn’t have such full memories, I wouldn’t be engaged to my best friend now. If it wasn’t for His love of me, my heart would have been in a terrible place for so much longer than it was.
If it wasn’t for such a personal call for me to abide, I wouldn’t be sharing my heart in this post. 2020-2021 were the most heartbreaking years of my whole life. And I’m so excited for who God has made me today. I’m still not perfect when it comes to the call to abide. But I will spend my entire life learning how to do it better.
Thank you for reading,
Mads
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4
